REGRETS
081512Forgive me if my flow of thought is too distracting. It's actually so random I can't even make an outline on my head.
As I reminisce on everything that happened in the past, I still want to praise God He did'nt let me live a life of bondage. Yes, I do have regrets. I wasted too much time loving the wrong person. I spent years trying to make her someone closer to God's will. What have I done? I played God on our relationship and I assume control over her life. I failed. I only loved her - that's the hard part.
Love, the feeling, is the only thing binding me to be loyal and spend countless sacrifices to make her into someone I really like. I didn't love her just because she has a perfect face nor a perfect body. Yes, I liked that complement on her but it's not the reason why I've been attracted to her.
Promise. Most guys only want the outside, the outer part in which sin often cause men to stumble. But I'm different - honestly speaking.
It's year 2005. (Seriously). She's still in highschool and I'm a college freshman. I prayed to God asking for a partner - a lifetime partner. I need someone to be with my dreams, dreams of fulfilling what God wanted me to do. I'm not that perfect or someone blameless. I usually have the idiotic tendency of being corrupted by my other nature.However thank God, He owns me. I want to serve Him with my skills, my efforts, my everything, my life.
I saw her. Beyond the years that I casually knew her, this is the first time I saw her with something in my mind - Is she the one? Our personalities obviously don't intertwine. In short, we're different. I love goofing around, she don't. I like joking around, she hates it. I love socializing to other people, she don't. Even from the first years of our seamingly "love story", It's pretty obvious that we are different from each other.
Then time came, out of the blue, I texted her (kinda flirty moves a guy usually make) and then made our conversation more than of a friendly type.I courted her in an unusual way - the TEXT thing (Highschoolers and teenagers will get this). A few months after she finally decided to be my girlfriend or should I say maybe she went to the point na "nakulitan" na siya. Sweet text messages
till the end of the day. That's the cycle. However, though we were so inloved with each other, we were not allowed yet to enter into a relationship at that time. We had strict parents. To be honest, we broke that rule. We enjoyed late night textings, under the radar mall dates, and ofcourse monthsarry gifts like a normal couples do.
We spent our relationship being inlove with each other - and I mean it. I can honestly say that I have never been unfaithful to her ever since. She's my life. My plans, my life revolved around her. She had been the center of my life and I didn't care what others think about. It has been me and her the whole time.
That's it - the start of my 5 year long daydreaming. I've been so consumed of being "In-love". Why? We are different. I grew up in a church with Godly parents and therefore I've been raised to be a future leader - someone who has greater Eternal goals than a regular believer. I prioritized sunday so much that I hate (exaggerating) people who makes excuses for not going to church. I am a youth leader so my ministry is important to me. I feel failure everytime I can't handle it properly. Majority of my plans is based on what God wanted me to do - Help the church. That's me. I love God more than anyone - and even her. She's been the 2nd eversince and I can't make her my top priority over my Saviour. I can only love her wholeheartedly if I will also love my Saviour more than anyone. That's my conviction. God must be the center of our relationship - that's what I am trying to make her believe and obey.
I'm not saying that if you're different with each other, then you are not compatible. What I'm saying is, you should know your priorities. I believe that God must be the center of your relationship. The guy must obey God. The girl must obey God too. Both should have a relationship worthy of honoring God - and that would mean that both of them must PERSONALLY make an effort to please God in everything they do. If only 1 of them commits to honoring the Lord and the other 1 becomes a Christian traveling a different path ( a Christian who prioritize other things istead of Godly ones), then disaster awaits them. The triangle, Man - God - Woman, breaks the chain and the two will eventually have conflicts.
I said earlier that I prioritized fellowship and church gatherings. How does it feel to have a girfriend ( future lifetime partner) who seldom attend church gatherings? How does it feel to have a partner who prioritizes family trips over Sunday worship services? If my life is dedicated to serving the Lord, will it be ok if my lifetime partner isnt? Can I serve God, lead the church, and spent time with people I'll help to grow spiritually only by myself?
Tell me, where can I get a spiritual encouragement? Can I get that one from this kind of partner?
Our conflict eversince has been the same - priorities. I am used to it and I give up helping her establish
convictions. I wasted 5 years of my life trying to change a stubborn partner with a hardened heart. I'm sorry if I sound harsh and as if those 5 years meant nothing to me.
Believe me, I love her from the start and until now but I need to make a decision - a decision that will either break my future or my heart. I'd rather break my heart than compromise the stability of my future. As of now, though she's outwardly perfect for me, I humbly say she's immature for me. We have different convictions and therefore fight a lot. She's not the type of partner who will go through hell just to be with you. She can't even spend time with me in the ministry. She can't even
encourage me spiritualy! I wasted time with her nagging and damn excuses.
I am a spiritual leader, a kuya, a person who someday want to be a spiritual "hero" of my disciples. I am sorry to say but I can't be that person with that kind of partner. For years, she's been telling me not to "control" her decision making. Let her be the person she wants to be. Let her decide and have alternate options.
We fought over our decision making, especially hers. We have a different point of view. I have Biblical truths, she has man-made reasonings. We don't have the same perspective. We decide differently. I have convictions, she has earthly compromises. I gave up that day and let her decide who will her follow - me or her earthly reasonings. She must submit to me and have to realize as a spiritual partner that I am more capable of handling her growth and maturity.
She decided not to submit. Well, ofcourse, our years of relationship is spent on a tug-o-war cycle. I looked like a police arresting her everytime she has an immature decision. I became more of a guardian than a lover. I became her own prision cell that limits her earthly enjoyments. I believe her love is not that deep to understand my love for her.
She doesn't know the real me. If only, she will regret what she did. It depends on your priorities. You won't understand me unless we have the same conviction. I'm sure of that.
I did my best to show my love for her and make her feel I'm the prince charming she's been waiting for. 5 years. The cycle has been the same. Showing of true love and waiting for her to change.
It's been almost 4 months. I am enjoying my freedom and yet living in regrets. I didn't mean to rule over life or in any of her decision making. What I'm saying is, we must have the same expectations in life, same goals, same priorities - and that became our problem. Your eternal goals in life shouldn't be mixed with earthly priorities or else your life would be a disaster.
My heart is focused on serving the Lord and I need a girl with the same heart as mine. Whatever she did to me, that's fine. I still love her beyond reasons. However, I need to make a decision to cut of this unworthy and disappointing relationship in order for me to grow spiritually and emotionally.
