Tuesday 4 December 2012

Arg Notes#16: 7th Year Anniversary

December 04, 2012

The year I saw one of the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. That one in a million that caught my attention. The smile that radiated beneath my soul. The girl who became my dream. The one I started loving beyond comparison.

No regrets.

Kahit sabihin pa ng karamihan na it's for my "own good" ang nangyari, masasabi ko parin na hindi sayang ang pagmamahal na binigay ko sa kanya - sa kadahilanan na ito ang nagturo sakin kung pano magmahal nang may kasabay na pagtulong at pagnanais na lumago ang isang tao. Ako rin mismo natuto ng totoong ibig sabihin ng sakripisyo. Hindi mo kayang magmahal ng tama kung walang sakripisyo. Wala na tayong magagawa pa para maibalik ang nakaraan. Natapos na at hindi tayo ang lumikha para maibalik ang nasirang pagsamahan.

Ito ang araw na pinakahihintay ko dati. Isa sa mga pagkakataon kung san maaari kong maipamalas kung gano ako mapagmahal at maarugang kabiyak ng kanyang puso. Araw kung saan sabay kaming magpapasalamat sa Diyos para sa kaniyang panibagong taon na binigay sa aming relasyon. Panahon kung saan pwede naming sariwain ang tamis ng pag-ibig.

Ito'y lahat ay naging bula.

Nung huling linggo, isang katanungan ang bumigla sa akin. "O, kamusta na kayo ni _____". "Uhm, matagal ma po kaming hiwalay", aking itinugon. "Pero, mahal mo parin ba?" Kaniyang itinanong.

"Opo ate, walang nagbago, ipagdasal nyo nalang po", bugtong hininga kong isinagot.

Mahal ko parin siya. Pitong taon na ang nakalipas hanggang ngayon. Ito ang tinatawag kong tunay na pag-ibig. Hindi hawak ng rason o kondisyon. Ito ay nakabase sa isang desisyon. Isang pag-ibig na Diyos ang sandigan. Isang samahan na ang kalakasan ay nasa pundar ng Diyos. Subalit, hindi lahat perpekto. Dumadating ang oras na nagiiba ang ating misyon sa buhay. Hanggat hindi iisa ang inyong layunin sa buhay, hindi kayo magiging masaya - magtitiisan lang kayo at hindi magiging maligaya.

May mga bagay talaga na wala sa atin ang kapalaran - na kahit isigaw mo sa langit ng pagkalakas lakas ay hindi mo rin makukuha. Tanging Siya lamang ang nakakaalam kung ano ang mga bagay na makakabuti at kung sino ang mga taong pipigil sayo para mabuhay ng kagamit-gamit sa kanyang kaharian. Masaklap, pero yan ang realidad.

Minsan ginusto mo rin talaga, kaya ka napapahamak. Tinitiis mo nalang hanggang sa dulo hanggang masugatan. Binibigay ang lahat kahit alam mong hindi sulit ang binibigyan. Kulang na kulang ang pag-ibig na iniipon mo. Yaan ang masaklap sa mundong ito. Hanggang sa mundo ka'y aayon, hinding hindi ka lalakad nag may kagalakan. Pag-ibig na salat lamang ang matatamo mo.Alam kong nagmahal ako ng totoo, pero hindi ako nagmahal ng tama.

Pero sa kabila ng aking poot at kagustuhang gumanti sa galit at dismaya, pag-ibig parin ang mangunguna sa pusong sugatan pero umiibig parin sa kanyang Manlilikha. Isang kwento ng pagibig - ang kanyang anak na namatay para sa akin, ito ang tanging dahilan kung bakit nakayanan kong magpatawad kahit halos wala na akong rason para bitawan ang galit kong ayaw maging mahinahon.

Sa lahat ng nagtatanong,

Oo, mahal ko parin siya, pero mas gugustuhin kong sa kaharian ng Diyos kami magkabalikan kung kaniya'y loloobin. Tinawag ako ng Diyos para sa mas makabuluhang gawain. Hindi lang prinsesa ang kailangan ko sa buhay kundi isang tao na makakasama ko sa gawain. Isang babae na mamahalin ko dahil sa kaniyang pagmamahal sa gawain ng Panginoon.

Maghihintay ako sa kaniyang pagbabago para sa Panginoon.

Kung hindi,








edi nganga.

lol














Sunday 2 December 2012

Arg Notes #15 : The B1G Challenge

Last Nov 23-25, I spent one of my most relaxing and fulfilled weekend in my life. My everyday life is spent on work and things that depletes me. I was tired physical, emotional, and spiritual - till then I joined this retreat. For me, rest is something you experience far away from your workplace and also let's say, your house. A new environment and meeting different kinds of people from different work areas are the main points that makes my stay worthwhile. Considering I am a socially inclined person, this retreat was a haven for me. I have so much to learn about life and this retreat I guess, would eventuallly transform this juvenile idiotic heart of mine.

Personally, my life was really a big challenge. I am stucked between to dead seas with no place to go but the narrow road. My back was full of burdens with no one else to carry with. Everything was plain and repetitive - yet God allowed me to experience this heaven-sent retreat. Amazed by the beauty of the place and of course the people surrounding me with different backgrounds and level of maturity. Aside from the complicated and yet well prepared program for the activities, I should also complement the facilitators who in spite of their different level of maturity, took the responsibility and the effort to reach out even the people who are much more matured than they are - and that's what I called really working for the Lord.

I went to the retreat with three of my closest friend; my sister, Dra. Lei, and Marvs. We started the groupings of almost a thousand attendees and that made me separated from their company. I was joined to a group of believers from CCF Alabang. Honestly, I was scared at first. Scared that I wouldn't meet their expectation or even their standard of living. Let's face it. I was born in an average family, not in a above-average one. But believe me, there are things that you can be proud of instead of money and worldly popularity - it is the knowledge and the wisdom you gain from the Bible.

The retreat's program was so good and inspiring that momentarily I forgot all my problems and bitterness in me. God indeed was there, of course. He was there to make me realize that the more closer to Him, more closer to the peace I was longing for the long time. I thank the Lord for all He showed me there. I was quite amazed by their passion for discipleship and how they prepare for each program.

God was telling me to step up. Leave my past behind. Forget the bitterness. Forgive the person. Follow Him.

If that's the case, committing suicide would be much more easier.

-but God is faithful despite everything that I've done stupid in the past. I will always be that prodigal son He was waiting  everyday to come back to Him. I can feel His grace everyday. His hands leading me to the right path though most of the times I argue and lean back to the wrong side of the road.
I'm blessed. Really


to be continued.

lack of time grr. 12/03/12