Arg Notes #8: Pre-celebration Feelings of Catastrophe

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I'm nearly 24 years old and I didn't barely accomplished anything worth being proud of
as of now. I feel like a total bum, though I'm currently employed. My life has been left out. I have no real life. I have no excitements and adventures. Nothing to be proud of.

Majority of my friends are now succesful in their careers - earning nearly twice my salary. They're all happy and contented with what they have and enjoying the benefits of their careers - while I'm stuck here almost rotting out of illogical salary pay and inconsiderate co-employees.

The love of my life is now on the others side of my world and I can't even tell her how much I love her because she's been so trapped and confused on her self-made world. She's happy without me. It's not that I wasted 5 years of my life proving her how much she mean to me, but yes - I probably can conclude that after everything I've done for her - what I DID can't be compared to the JOY her friends is giving to her right now. I've now become a nuisance rather than a knight in shining armor. Everything has changed and after these past few months I really can't accept the fact that she saw me differently than what I've expected.

I keep asking myself why is this happening to me despite the sincerity and truthfulness I've showed her. After all those years I protected her and sacrificed everything just to save her from future shame and destruction - and now It's pointless. She doesn't know me enough to stay with me forever.

I lost my love for music. I've lost my inspiration. I'm consumed by regrets and loss of self-worth.
Yes this is me right now, totally opposite of what you expect from me.