Arg Notes #30: Update about my self

March 19, 2013

For those who are asking me , "How are you Josh?", this will be the best post for you.

I'm partially ok, partially..well let's say damaged. I don't know to what extent but I'm beginning to see the light . Thank God for His faithfulness and patience on me. I maybe be the most sadistic and pessimistic servant, but I know for sure that I do have a heart of a servant - though mostly influenced by the prince of this world. This disaster will end. I'm sure of it. No catastrophe will take over my God given goals and abilities. I won't let the enemy confuse me on what is right and what is less.

I may be bitter on my past and seem consumed with regrets, but I pray that someday I can forgive.
As of these days, I'm focusing on the Lord. This is the only thing that will make me whole.

Arg Notes #22: Love at first sight

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Love at first sight. Remember the first time you saw your crush?

Yes, that "butterfly" feeling you felt with matching cold drops of water on your back?

No, it's not that thing.

I'm almost on my mid 20's and I consider myself picky when in terms of "admiring" women. Well, it really depends on the person in charge on his standard body-character-personality test on a girl he is starting to like. We, guys, have our own checklist. You must accept that fact. It's rare find for a girl to be both beautiful with good personality or either one with a cute smile and a hot body.

In reality, they have their own characteristics that makes them unique. Each of them is beautiful on God's eyes. Loving is in fact a comlex feeling. As explained by the majority, " It makes life worthwhile". The worst case scenario is - you don't know if you're in love or maybe you're just flattered to the extreme level. I don't know if I will start to believe in love at first sight but believe me when I saw this girl, I was really strucked hard like one of those blow of Marquez.

Arg Notes #19 : There she goes..again

It's been nine months. Bitter months. I started this - I have to end this. It's a war between me and myself. My goals and disappointments seems to be raging me into a battle I was never meant to win.
Look at her. She's happy. Contented with the world she chose. I really underestimated the power of Satan for bringing backsliders into the fake oasis of life. I knew the reality, but I was here lurking in the shadows of my mess. What on earth God is trying to prove to me?! -that He is in control. For years I was been on a tug-of-war against my parents, trying to prove how much I love that person. I even resisted the voice in me telling she was the one! My heart remained loyal to her even when grief is too much to bare.

Yet, I was really disappointed - to the fact that I was now afraid of giving out my best for a person deserving my whole heart. You can love her with your whole heart, be faithful, and even take your efforts farther than the stars - but in the end, she'll just TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED.

Arg Notes #13: AMALAYER

11 22 12

As much as I want to show other people the "moved on" part of my life, I can't help but to stare at the mirror and tell my self  everything's a lie. A big one. This is the sad part of reality and for doing the right thing like what the majority is telling me. It kills me. I've been consumed by anger  and as far as I know, this not me. Hatred is what now runs in my blood. Motivated by the mere presence of the one I used to love and even till now - but sadly to say the biggest regret of my life. I am not contented of what I've become. This is so not me. God has placed His angels behind me - to protect me from other hurts in life and hold me in times of uncontrolled anger and murder thoughts.

I can kill now. I can kill myself. -but most of all, I wish to kill every bit of emotions I still have. I want to live in the world where bitterness and pain is not a part of life. I wish to see people having never ending smiles and happiness throughout their lifetime.

Dream world.

Someday, I would challenge myself to face the truth - that there were things I've held so much before that now made me regret everything. The clouds are whispering goodbyes and yet I held on to the rope and climbed the mountain of fools gold. Such a stupid jerk.

It's time to face the truth.

Everything was a lie.

Arg Notes #4

July 2, 2012 Monday
Daily Journal

It's been months since the disaster. My life has now been ran by series of
unfortunate events. Laughter is not my medicine anymore - but stress and a tired whole
being. I just can't believe why did I dedicated and comiitted my heart to a single
person for an almost 6 unfruitful years. Worse than that, beyond the scars and the
bitterness, I am very sure of myself that this person would still be, or should I say, is
still the one who owns my heart.

Never in our 5 years of relationship that I broke from our commitment.
She's always been the one, the most beautiful, the perfect woman
I've been praying from the Lord, my best friend, and the only person who really knew the real me.

But we have our separate worlds now. Different goals in life, priorities, and dreams. Seems to be that maybye, correct me if i'm wrong, that the only thing that binds our relationship from the past is a blind love. That's explains the immaturity that gaps me from her and the big wall of priorities that separates our goals in life. No matter what our differences is, I still love her.

I'm still waiting for a miracle. Not for her to realize that I'm the best person for
her(Pride aside), but her growing up on the Lord and maturing in her Christian growth.
Sure, distance can seperate us. I can live with that. Seeing her happy with her
seems-to-be good influence friends and contented with what she is experiencing now.
I am happy for her, honestly.

Soon and I'll be soon deciding whom to trust and whom to obey.
My heart or my mind.Whether to get rid any remembrance or keep it just to have an .03% encouragement inspiration and yet prolong the agony with each resemblance of our broken relationship.
My commitment to her is beyond words. However, I should live a life and still focus on what God wants me to do- even without her. Even if this would hurt me a lifetime, I should continue the life God wants me to have. I have to live life to the fullest.

I am hoping for a miracle, before it's too late.

God is still in control and will always be.

Finding God's will on your life

God's will on your life


There are many plans in a man's heart. Some of it can be easily categorized as "God's Will",..and some of it are based on selfish ambitions. And who can stop you from pursuing your goals if it's dedicated for Him? Fear, anxieties, and unsureness of things happening in the future..they are the ones that commonly prevent most people to succeed. If God will be your strength, will you lack? If your doing His will, will you be lost? As we know God, we can can clearly His will upon us.


The things we prioritized must also be the things important Him. So why worry if He's on your side? For where your heart is, there will be your heart also. Your heart's desires states the probability of your success.

People do expect. They work hard to fulfill a goal. They can sacrifice almost anything just to see their plans being fulfilled. There are reasons to give up and there are times when the road to success is almost faded and seemingly impossible to be walked through.


I thank people people who makes me realize that life is not always about me, what I want, or neither my goals in life. I find strength in my every success. I find joy in every goals that I meet. I find happiness on things which He considered of His enemy.I neglected the very person who first loved me. -that's why I'm now crying in desperation and asking God, "Why?".


In this point in my life, when my every strength is gone, His strength is made perfect in my eyes. I can clearly see that God will always be the one to be hoped for, the one who must controll every vein in my body. Without him, I'll end up in failure. He snatched away the very things I considered "important" and gave me the chance to return on the narrow path. Man will always have the reason why His strength is gone and God will always have his reason to carry us through the times we don't know where are we walking. Every thing will always be in His time.



"...He will give you the desires of your heart"
Psalm 37:4


-J.Tienzo